Emotional Hit and Runs

Awareness. Perspective. Empathy. Understanding. Educating. These things are some of the reasons why I choose to post on my blog. My life is one that happens mostly behind closed doors within my home. I choose to share certain things in my life that are of large significance. Things that I share, I believe, can raise awareness, educate, inform, and basically shed light to me even existing. As bluntly as I can state it, my posts are the only way that many people know anything about me anymore. Even at that, it's just an incredibly small fraction.

I don't post very often. Why? Well, for one I don't have the time in the day or energy by the time I have a moment before I go to bed. Second, it usually takes me a few days to complete one post because I never have a chance to write in one sitting. Third, larger events are the only ones I usually share. I feel like posting too often would give people the impression that I am seeking something other than awareness, perspective and understanding. I want people to look at the autism community and all the people and roles within it with empathy, understanding, and with an educated perspective. I am looking to inform and educate others based on my life and my own personal experience with the role I have in the autism community.

 Now with that being said, I want to explain as to why I titled this post the way I did. Let me define for you what I mean by an "Emotional Hit and Run." What I mean by this, is that when I say I welcome conversation with my posts, I do. I truly do. A conversation is that in which people have back and forth comments either verbally or via internet to enlighten, educate, shed perspective and speak their thoughts freely to one another. A face to face conversation can be hard to have with me due to my everyday life. I don't get time to talk on the phone, I hardly have time to text (and honestly, what can be accomplished in a text anyways) and if you do want to have a face to face conversation with me, it has to be at my home. My life right now is ran by routines, stability, predictability and above all...others in my home requiring every ounce of my energy of support. I am fully aware that making the time and effort meeting me all the way is difficult. I cannot even say that I can meet you half way on setting up a time to hang out or chat. It's just life for me. I accept this and won't try to tell you I can meet you half way on relationships outside of my home because truthfully, I cannot. I am consumed with needs that have to be met inside my home and they will always be there. Right now, they are very strenuous on me and I know with time, needs can fluctuate. I can tell you right now, I will always be needed to a larger and longer degree because my son is autistic. When one challenge subsides, another one rises. Sometimes the shifts are for the good. Sometimes for the worse. I will also tell you that my responsibilities and energy needed to help my son succeed and live a happy life are extremely draining at times. I am a realist about his needs and abilities. I do not sugar coat nor do I take a negative tone to them. I am real about them and real about possible outcomes that are ahead in so many aspects to our lives.

Now, with all that being said, the 'hit and run' metaphor comes into play when someone drops a bomb on me with a comment (doesn't matter how its delivered via face to face or internet) and then does not proceed to hear insight to what they have just said. Either because they do not want to truly absorb what my follow up response will be, they do not want to be educated on my perspective or reasoning to their comment, or they simply walk away or talk over me and change the subject. Is it because people think I am seeking sympathy? Feel that I just need to suck it up? Feel as though I am embellishing for a dramatic effect? It feels to me just like my title suggests...it's as though I was hit with a comment intended to raise emotion in me and then flees from the response. I want my posts to raise awareness, educate, and shed light to a community which is mostly lived without a true perspective or understanding. As a parent in the autism community, I am devoted to helping my son and supporting him and my family because of his needs. This is a role more consuming than one of a neurotypical child. There, I said it. When your child wanders away from you in a store or yard, of course you will have an instant panic attack. But when you are a parent of an autistic child, a part of you dies. Your energy is stripped from you and you become lifeless. An autistic child who wanders has ZERO, let me repeat that, ZERO safety awareness. They run through traffic with no thoughts to themselves, they are not looked upon as needing help because autistic individuals have wandering issues usually for their entire lives. When you see even an older child around P's age out walking down a sidewalk or running down a road, you typically wont think to dash to intervene. When an autistic person wanders, they typically cannot tell you their name, who their parents are, where they live, or can even communicate at all. Now tell me, when your child wandered away from you when they were little, was your first thought about how they could be already in peril danger or how you are told to first check all bodies of water near your home? Most autistic individuals go straight to water and I can tell you, the outcome is usually a tragic one. An autistic child or adult usually does not understand the "stranger danger" aspect at any age either. I could keep going and going. And once again, I am going to make this perfectly clear, I do not assume that everyone knows these things. That is why I am here posting my experiences or thoughts so that it may shed light to people I know about myself and the autism community as a whole. I welcome the back and forth conversation because the way I see it, it is shedding light to a world that is mostly lived behind doors. Behind gated yards. Behind ABA center hallways. It is one where being out in the community and events can be traumatic, overstimulating, scary, etc for all involved. Sometimes these issues can be worked through. Sometimes they cannot. But when I feel that a one sided conversation is a 'hit and run' for me where I cannot voice my thoughts or rationale in regards to your comments, it's like being hit by a car and seeing the other person who made the comments simply walk away unscathed. Let me tell you, I dont have energy to waste. It also goes for others who have similar situations who may state their experiences or thoughts. When someone creates a reaction in another person who has perspective to share with experience, it may be easier for you to leave the conversation, but not for the other person. They too would probably feel like they had an emotional hit and run. When something is so dear to them, there's no such thing as truly detaching from the emotion that arose.

If you want to know more, ask me. I welcome it. I want to educate others. In order for me to do so, I need an actual conversation. Otherwise if you are looking to make a remark of how I am not doing something right, not enough, blowing something out of proportion, seeking attention or sympathy...keep it to yourself. I never ask nor do I want sympathy. I too want support from people I know. It's hard to say that I even have many real friends because of the life I have. I have come to terms with this and I wont sugar coat it. Writing random posts on this blog is one way for me to share my emotions and experiences without that 'hit and run' feeling.

With my last post, I have had a large response and most have been down-playing the true nature of the event, stating their opinions, telling me to chill out and how its just like every other parent, etc. But where I take issue with that, is when I am not allowed the true opportunity to respond. That is why I am doing it on here...once again on a platform in which I feel my whole feelings can be expressed without interruption or simply changing the subject, walking away, or leaving the conversation entirely. When you feel like your opinions need to be shared, I am open. But you also have to be open to my response and you need to hear it to the fullest extent. With me, there are never one word answers or simple explanations. Hell, I have to be an interpreter for P to everyone and let me tell you, deciphering to others why he is screaming, "GLUE!!!! GLUUUUUE!! GLUE!!!!!" and having a meltdown when asking him to sit wont be a short explanation. Or trying to think of a respectful but yet defending way to P in public when old bitties say, "He's too big for that stroller. I cannot believe you wont just make your kid walk. He's gonna be a toughie when he's a teenager. He gets what he wants now, just wait til then Mom." Yes, this was a real comment made by some hag at Menards. That is an emotional 'hit and run' as well. Do I go off on you at fricken Menards? When and if I do, it wont matter anyways. That bittie is never going to truly listen nor absorb any response I give. Still, it is exhausting and it leaves me angered beyond belief. I cannot simply 'shake it off' or 'not let it bother me.' It does and always will. I have outlets that help me not go insane on these random people. One of those outlets is on here. A place where my thoughts can be fully typed without interruption, without stares, and without people leaving me not wanting to listen. I mean, if you wanted, you could just not read my posts at all. That's fine too. But at least it isn't visible to me and more than likely you will keep your opinions to yourself then anyways. That's because you wont have any...because you wont know what I wrote about to begin with. That's also fine.

So in closing this post, I am going to say again, I welcome the conversation...not the random opinions or comments made without wanting to hear responses. I am in this as an advocate to my son and that will never waiver. That will never change. Until my dying day I will be his advocate. I am also my daughter's advocate in all of this as well. Its not easy developing and growing along side someone who is so different from you. Different but not less. So with this post, please feel free to comment, give perspective if you are also in the autism community, give a perspective seeing it from the outside, etc...feel free to ask to come over and see P first hand and our lives first hand. I will tell you again, to meet with me face to face, you will have to do this anyways. I cant meet even halfway on friendships and I acknowledge this. I am at the acceptance, empathy (NOT sympathy) and understanding of others. That is why I write. This is my life. My beautifully complex, routined, secluded, rewarding, etc, etc, life. I am open to sharing about it but you too must also be opened to hearing it.