"Trampoline with Daddy!" Parker says yesterday evening while in the backyard with me and Quinn. I yelled for Tim in the house so elated that Parker was asking to play with him. Parker was laughing, making eye contact, making verbal requests....I was sitting in the backyard next to the trampoline thinking how odd it almost seemed to me. Surreal. We were having a good ol' run of the mill family evening. Just like any other family. Just hanging out in the backyard of our house playing. It all stopped...including my heart in one instant.
Now for the last almost year, Parker has been in ABA therapy. He has been absolutely thriving in that type of education setting. He has Behavioral Therapists (BTs) come to our home about 35+ hours a week to work with him 1:1. When we began, he showed no compliance to any requests, no real way of communicating, meltdowns daily, etc. He wasnt able to transition from room to room or floor to floor in our home. He wouldn't go outside. He could only handle looking out the front picture window at the outside world, he hadnt gone outside in three years. He was my Boy in the Window.
A few weeks ago, we began trying to get him to tolerate being in our backyard and outside with his BTs. They started by having him tolerate standing by our front door without a meltdown, then with the front door open, then with the screen door open, then on the first step, then to the swing set. This process took about a month. I knew that Parker would no longer be my "Boy in the Window" anymore. He would be my boy out in the world. It was thrilling to have a new opportunity and confidence arise in Parker, but also it was terrifying. In the last three years, I didn't have to be as anxious as I am now about him wandering away from the house. I always have watched him like a hawk because he is very unpredictable. I never knew if today was the random day P would decide to venture outside. That day didnt come on his own, it came with the intervention and patience with myself and his BTs.
Yesterday when I was so elated with P requesting to jump with Daddy, I sat there thinking how far he has come. I was reflecting about how wonderful ABA therapy is for Parker and our family. I then thought about how there are still so many challenges and so much unpredictability in my everyday life. Its hard to focus on any emotion, really. One minute I can be on cloud nine and the next I can be terrified. Little did I know, last night was going to be one of those instances again.
Tim came out in the backyard and started jumping with P and Quinn. I took a few pictures and couldn't help but just stare at the pictures. Everyone had smiles on their faces, they were all playing together. Tim grabbed a rocketship nerf gun and pounded it into the ground. Parker watched the rocketship fly into the air and laughed. "Rocketship!" he said. Tim looked at me and was so happy to see P wanting to play. Tim looked at me and said, "Im going to go inside and grab the new nerf gun we got today! P will love it!" I said for him to grab it and that it was right inside the front door. Tim walked to the front yard and Parker immediately followed. I saw P follow Tim just three feet behind him. Literally, being Tim's little train car. I looked over at Quinn who was playing in the water table. I smiled and looked at those few pictures on my phone and smiled. Tim came back within one minute and said "Where's Parker?" The words I loathe. I immediately launched from my lawnchair and said that I thought he went with Tim into the house with him. He followed Tim literally right behind him. Tim didnt see that P was behind him. He was so excited that P was interacting so well. Parker didnt even drag or shuffle his feet when he was following Tim. Usually we can hear P walking because he usually does this. Not this time.
Tim and I ran to the front yard. No sight of Parker. He wasnt inside. He wasnt in our yard. He was gone. Tim looked far down our street and Parker was barely in sight down our long residental street. I gasped, dropped everything in my hands, my heart stopped. Tim began running at full speed to reach Parker who was about 1/4 mile away from us...who was still running. I screamed helplessly from our front yard, "PARKER! STOP! STAY BY ME! STAY BY ME!!" That is the verbiage his BTs have been using when he is outside when he starts to wander. My hands covered my mouth. I felt utterly helpless. I had to trust that Tim would reach him running in the middle of our road. I had to stay back to ensure Quinn was also watched and safe. I stood there in my front yard looking down my road thinking how my absolute worst nightmare was true. It was here. It was happening...and still running away from me. He was wearing a black printed shirt and black athletic shorts. I began thinking about how if Tim had been in the house for another 15 seconds, Parker would have been out of our sight completely. Parker would have been wandering and running with no safety awareness...in all dark clothes at 6:30 at night. I stood in my front yard screaming still, "PARKER STOP! STAY BY ME! STOP!" No response. He kept running further...running further from me.
Tim caught up with him, and my heart sank. He was in Tims arms. He was safe. He walked back to the yard with him and I immediately said in a distressed voice, "Parker, stay in your yard. Always stay in your yard. Stay by me. Always stay by me!" P immediately became upset because he knew I was upset. He was not aware of why I was upset. When I am around P, I have to buffer all my emotions because if I raise my voice or yell, wherever he is in the house, he begins to cry and have meltdowns. He's very sensitive to tone and emotion rather than to the actual words being used. I calmed him and had to shut off my emotions about my nightmare so that he didnt have an uncontrollable meltdown as a result. I was in shock. True shock. I went numb.
I looked to Tim who was shocked as well. I said, "We were 100% attentive. We did everything right. No one was at fault. We assumed the other one had Parker. We both had queues from each other that Parker was in the other's care. It was human error. We are only human and cant change that. We need to have something that is physical that wont ever waiver. Wont ever move. Wont ever be forgotten about...we need to complete our front fence and immediately." Tim nodded. I was still physically shaking.
We got the kids down to bed and we were still numb to what had happened. It was a mix of so many emotions. We went from one extreme emotion to the complete opposite extreme emotion. We were in a daze. Just as I was sitting with my head in my hands alone in the kitchen, I saw my Dad pull in the driveway. I had called him right after to tell him what happened. I had always hoped that if P did ever wander, we would go to my Dad's house which is just a few blocks away. Once with his lead BT, I walked with them and we let P lead the way to see if he knew the way to my dads. Sure enough, P biked right to my dads front door. I felt a slight comfort that maybe, just maybe if he did wander, he would go to my dads. I could have a path to follow and find him. Last night blew that comfort to bits. My dad walked in our house and said, "Find a patio and have a beer. Decompress. The kids are already out probably so I can just watch a movie here while they sleep and you guys can leave for a little bit." It was so thoughtful. I was in overload and so was Tim. I thanked him repeatedly (thank you again, Dad). I popped on 'Sharknado' (because that movie is as good as the title portrays) for my dad and locked the door behind us.
Tim and I went to Lions Park by the lake and I had to just sit on the dock surrounded by cattails and water. I saw turtles pop up and swim away, I saw the sunset beaming on the lake, I heard music from the outdoor patios, a mayfly landed on my arm, ...I was by my water which is always my calming spot. I thought to myself about how such a calming spot for me is also my most terrifying spot at the same time. I cannot have Parker near water. God, what if he had wandered and found the lake which is only about two miles from our home?! I forced those thoughts out of my head. This moment was for Tim and I to calm ourselves. It was to find what helps us in a time of crisis...lakes. We walked the lakefront, stopped and had a quick tap beer at Tallys and walked back to the car. We were exhausted and drained.
We came home to the ending of 'Sharknado' which lightened our mood. My dad stayed and watched one more flick with us. I thanked him again over and over. It was just what we needed. After he left, I went to Parker who was safely sleeping in his bed. I kissed his forehead and held his face. I whispered, "Please dont ever leave me again. Please never leave me like that again. I need you to be safe. I need you here." I began crying. I kissed Quinn on the forehead and wished her sweet dreams. I held her face and kissed her once more, giving one more glance into their room. My babes were safe, in our home, in our care tonight.
I dreaded and loathed the day. The day that my boy went from the Boy in the Window to the Boy Alone in the World....he was in the world alone, wandering, out of my care for less than one minute and he was down the street 1/4 mile away from me. Breaking through one barrier for him, closed another. The window that he used to only look at the world from the inside was opened. As a result, we have to construct a gate that must always be closed. A life where he can now experience the world, but be restricted from it at the same time. One window opens, a gate must be closed.
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