Yes, it has been a while since I have written. There has been so much that has happened in the last year or so since I last posted. Just thinking about it is crazy. The last year has flown by in a literal flash for me.
I had started writing a post a few days ago but ended up deleting it all. I could go into detail about all of the changes and the emotions surrounding them but honestly...I would have to write about ten volumes if I wanted to do that. I could...but writing out some of the things we went through with the school district alone was making me angry all over again and I just don't want to feel that anymore. Believe me, I would love to write all the emotions surrounding how they didn't follow special education law regarding his three year re-evaluation for special education services. Or how the school psychologist wanted P on anti-depressants (yes, at the age of four). Or how she told me that if our pediatrician wouldn't prescribe them, she would tell me one who would in the area where she sends all of her other parents to. Or how she gave P's information to an outside entity without my consent for "emergency help" for P's supposed depression. Or how they wanted P in a mainstream kindergarten class without a para for him with about thirty other kids. Or how I had to keep rejecting the IEP for him over and over until I had to lead a meeting of about ten reps/teachers from the district explaining again why the IEP was not sufficient. But...I wont. The emotions surrounding these things are still with me. I never received closure from these things. No apologies, no resolutions...nothing. We took P out of public school entirely. After experiencing all of these things for myself as a parent, I reflected and thought about how P's life would be like everyday if I just complied with the so called "plan" for him with the district. Believe me, I do know what it would have been like. We even toured the first school the district wanted him to attend. P was terrified and with all of the smells, the sounds, the flooring (yes, the flooring)...he was distraught. I tried comforting him in my arms while he desperately covered his ears and buried his head into my neck. I tried deflecting the children and staff's eyes and remarks when they looked into the hallway we were in. I tried to ignore them and comfort P but he could feel them no matter how much I tried shielding him. Even the staff that would have supposedly supported him just stared and didn't know what to do. Then the bell chimed and kids were running to the cafeteria. Normal routine for an elementary school student but terror for P. I knew that he wouldn't progress and that if I sent him there, I would have felt with one tour what he would have felt everyday. He wasn't near ready for this.
I understand the politics and how schools have incredibly limited resources but I couldn't compromise P's progress and advancement. In his re-evaluation, they said how his IQ was only 50 and how his development level was only around a 20 month old at most. Yet I was supposed to be ok with the fact that he would be left to wander the kindergarten class alone? I was supposed to be ok with the fact that he would only receive speech and occupational therapy three times a month when his sensory issues are so overwhelming and he does not communicate? Be ok with the evaluation results but not act on them accordingly? I tried to get him into a more specialized program at the district but was told they wouldnt do it for P. One moment they were telling me these serious conclusions about his development but yet offered nothing to help it?
With me understanding truly where P's needs were, I knew I had to seek out his education elsewhere. I reached out to the Minnesota Autism Center. The Minnesota Autism Center (MAC) comes out to out home 37 hours a week for P.
Oh wait...did I not mention that we bought a home all in the process of this crap? Yeah....we did. I had to coordinate a move from our townhouse to living at my dads for two months while we closed and got the house all set for the kids to fully move in. I know it wouldn't have been possible if not for our wonderful family who helped us. I keep saying our move was 100% a labor of love.
Rest assured, I will be writing more often because I need a creative outlet. I need to be able to write things out and throw them to the cosmos. With everything I have/am going through, I am more withdrawn from the outside world than really ever before. I am so consumed with my role in my family that no one seems to even know a thing about it or me for that matter. No one really knows where I have even been for the last year or more. I am hoping I can shed light on it....a little bit at least. I understand I am a difficult person to contact or meet up with. I have only slight hours in which I can get away alone and even so, I still need to be "available" if I should have to rush home. I know this is my life and it won't be changing in the near future. God knows I am aware. That is why I will be writing much more. Mostly to feel like I have connection to people because right now...I pretty much don't. And yes, I do try to get out but it is not that easy to do. So here is my first post in a long time with more to come...
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