I'm Home

Summers always seem to fly here in Minnesota. There's only a few months of the year where there's not crappy weather and you just get out and enjoy everything around you. The breeze, the birds, the sunsets and good ol' PBR and Summer Shandy. This summer has been different. This summer has literally blown past me. So much change has happened this summer and it seems like I blinked and it's over already. That's why I haven't written in a while on here. I have been adjusting from quitting my job downtown Minneapolis to being Parker's PCA and just....unwinding. Calming down and taking a deep breath. I have made it a point to go out on my patio every nice evening this summer and watch the sunset....with wine or a beer of course. ha! I would listen to some chill music and just enjoy the moment. You have no idea how much I missed times like that when I was working downtown. I now have time to take a breath, sit and take a "me moment." Before I was feeling so tired and not operational. I purposely took some time off from many things this summer (including writing on here) to just decompress and find my way again.

I have.

For P-man, it has taken all summer for him to adjust to me being home with him. His anxiety level has decreased dramatically. For example, before I quit, he would not allow me to be out of his sight. At bedtime, he knew that when he would wake up in the morning, Mama would be gone. Even explaining to him about me being at work and how I will ALWAYS come back to him...he was so scared to see me leave him for ANY reason. After three months of me being home, he has adjusted SO well and has become comfortable with our new routine. Before I quit, at bedtime I couldn't leave his bedside or stop holding his hand for him to fall asleep. Over the last few months, I have slowly moved further and further from his bedside when his medicine finally kicks in. Then last night, I told him (as he was angelically singing his ABCs as he always does when he gets really tired) that I was going into the laundry room and would be right back. No fuss, no anxiety, no tears. Just his pause between "Q, AW, ESS" and him continuing his letters. I then heard the singing gradually stop and I knew that for the first time, Parker was at ease to drift off alone. He was relaxed and calm to fall asleep without me holding his hand or sitting at his bedside. I came over to him, watched him sleep and knew in my heart I made the best decision I could have ever made. I took a giant leap for my son. He doesnt have the words to tell me what being home for him means to him and I don't need them. I see his demeanor, his anxiety decrease, his eye contact returning....his overall being and know in my heart I did everything I needed to for him. I have told Parker many times that we don't need words to talk for us because our hearts do that. He is now telling me by his overwhelmingly decreased anxiety level alone, that he is glad that his Mama is home. He told me that by the slight pause in his ABCs that he understands and knows I will never leave his side even if I am not at his bedside. That to me is something no job can ever replace. No paycheck can ever give me.

I'm home Pman. Im home for you and your baby sister Quinn.