Suiting Up for Battle

Wake up to pulling on my arm....roll over to look at the clock to confirm my dread...yup, it's 2:03am. That is the moment in which I first have to pull on my armor. This day is going to be a battle...Every day begins this way. I make Parker lay in his bed and don't let him get up. "It's nigh-night time. Not playtime. Pleeeeeeeeease go back to sleep or at least just lay with Mama." Response....laughter and then the screeches follow. I pray that Quinn doesn't wake up. That's all that I need is to try to get her back to bed. I hear her stirring and the eventual faint cry from her being woke up. I mean, I cant say that I would ever like to be brought out of dreamland by a high pitch screech. Who would? Is Tim even home from work yet? Nope.

I continue to try to lay in bed exhausted but my Mama-radar is going off knowing one or both of my children are awake. I can't shake it. I can't ignore it. I continue to lay in bed hoping that I will get a break and be able to get them back to sleep...then I can doze off until my alarm goes off at 4:20am for work. Nope....my alarm is now going off. Ive been fighting my first battle of the day and I haven't even dragged my rear out of bed. This is going to be a long day...

I blast the air conditioning in the car as I drive into work to make it in at 6:00am. I log in, read some emails which are usually about how I need to be doing more reports, how I don't have my worklog showing 100% of my day accounted for, how my FMLA still isnt being approved because they need to know "exact frequency and duration in hours in which episodes happen" (errr what?!), what career goals I have and how I am supposed to be more engaged at my work...I tune out and listen to music on my headphones as I go on cyborg mode and process, process, process. I stalk the clock to watch it flip to 2:00pm and I have to fly home to get there in time so Tim can leave for work. I call him so I can get at least a few minutes to talk to him in a day. Today while on the phone he had to change Parker's diaper and he was screaming so he said he would call me back. I blasted my music. I saw Tim calling and I couldnt answer. I knew what I would be walking into and I wanted to savor these few minutes in the car. Once again...suiting up my armor for battle when I walk in the door.

I get home, give Tim a kiss goodbye and so my second job begins...and never really ends actually. Parker has sensory issues that we are working on but right now he refuses to let himself go #2. Yup....without the glorious details, let's just say it's terrible and trying to change a strong four yr old boy....battle in and of itself. And when you're changing 17 diapers a day....kicking, screaming, squirming, crying, trying to get up and away from you....battle.

I get dinner going, feed Quinn between stirring dinner, get her set and get Parker's food out. If he eats, it's a battle won. I'm finally on the scoreboard for one point at least. Then we have some playtime and then tubby time.  Coordinating Quinn's scrubbin and Parker's scrubbin, forcing Parker to sit in the tub to help his sore little bum, me being splashed, he's thrashing, screaming...I close my eyes and hold him to make him stay sitting to try to help his little bum. I get him out and get jammies on while he's still screaming. It's now been over an hour after I gave him his "night candy" (his medicine to get him to fall asleep) and he's still awake. I make Quinn's bottle and give it to her and she drifts off to sleep. It's 10:00 and I think he's falling asleep. 10:15...he's out. I then drag myself upstairs, get in a tub and fall onto the bed and I'm out. The battles for the evening are done. I hope to have a four hour break until he wakes up....I hope.

I write this as a snapshot of my life every day. I don't write this for people to give pity or to talk me up even. I write it as a way to let people know what my life actually is like. My last post was about making the invisible, visible. This is another way of doing so. I also write this as a way to express myself when I feel like I don't have a voice. I am a stubborn person and I don't really tell my story too much because I never want pity. It's a revolting word that I don't want to be associated with. I am fighting from the moment I get to go to bed til the moment I am woken up. All I'm asking for is just a point on the scoreboard and not to be judged. Not necessarily a win, but a point none the less. My little battles...that I hope to get a few points on the board for the day. That for me is a win.


Parker has to sleep with shoes on so in this picture, he put on my boot slippers for bed. <3

Here he found Quinn's bink and is all nestled in with his "guys" (his favorite stuffed animals) to sleep with. He also snuggles in with his books just like he would his "guys." What a beautiful concept, right? Seeking comfort through his books in order to be calm enough to fall asleep... <3