We showed Parker pictures and youtube videos of ships coming into Canal Park, pictures of the "choo-choo" train museum, the lake, the KOA campground and cabin we would be staying at...everything to get him excited and know what to expect for the time ahead of us. Tim was so anxious to show Parker all of it. We both were. There were thoughts of the inevitable "what if this happens" or "what if that happens" but Tim and I didn't really want to talk about it. We just wanted it to be so much fun and to show Parker and Quinn the sights.
We hopped in the car and began the two hour drive up to Duluth. Everything was fine. We checked into the KOA cabin and got settled in. So far so good. We then went into Canal Park and began to really dig into the vacation festivities. Nighttime came and it was gloomy and damp. We got the kids all set for bed and gave Parker his "night candy" (a gummy bear vitamin with his sleep medication cleverly hidden inside) and he eventually fell asleep. So far so good. Quinn had a hard time falling asleep but eventually did. After a failed attempt at lighting damp firewood, Tim and I came inside to Parker screaming. Uuuugh...here we go.
Quinn woke up and since it was such a small cabin, there was no where to really separate them so one could fall back asleep. We struggled for hours until Quinn finally fell asleep. "Do you think this was the right thing to do? Do you think we should check out tomorrow? Is our four days up here going to be too much for us and the kids? Are we going to get any sleep? There's no shame in throwing in the towel to this I suppose..." Tim and I stepped outside the cabin to talk about what we should do and across the little street was another family in a cabin just like ours. Their boy was about eight and right away we knew he was autistic and also was having a hard time. We sat on the swing sending our thoughts over to their family who seemed like they were having the same thoughts as us. He was running out of the cabin, crying, doing little screeches like Parker does to communicate, his parents kept calling his name with no response when he would dart out of the cabin...Tim and I just said "He's another Parker. We 'get' you little man. We understand what you're going through too." The boy's parents picked him up into the cabin and all we could see were the lights being manically flipped on and off for about five minutes straight. Finally, I think he started to calm down...well, at least the lights stopped flicking on and off. Tim and I sat there knowing exactly what that family was going through. The KOA cabins were the best place for our sons. They could be loud without people calling on them, could go in and out as they pleased, run out on the playground equipment...it's the best place to stay for a child with autism in my opinion. We decided to see what tomorrow would bring and go from there. We were going to stick it out. If they were, we were.
The next day, we went to see some ships come in and Tim was overjoyed to show Parker. He explained about parts on the ships, where they were going, how BIG they were...Parker sat there in the stroller and seemed indifferent. Tim tried getting him to look and be interested but Parker didn't seem to be. I braced Parker for the ship's horn that was about to come and hold him tight so he wouldn't be scared. The ship's horn went off and Parker was petrified. I was there to hold him so he did ok and couldn't bolt since we buckled him in the stroller. Tim and I didn't talk about Parker's reaction (or lack there of) hoping the train museum would be better. We brought him and Quinn into where the trains were. "Here! THIS will do it! Parker LOVES his 'choo choos' so this is going to be great!" He wouldn't really go near them. Tim tried and tried to get him to at least let him be carried into one of the trains but he was so anxious about it....he just wanted to leave. Screeches came from inside the trains. I was outside the train cars with Quinn and I knew this was going to be how it was going to be for the whole museum. Parker LOVES trains though? We thought it was going to be a "sure thing" in getting him involved and excited. No such luck. We ended up only going through it one time over and left. Tim didn't say much on the ride home but I knew he was sad.
After the kids went to bed, Tim and I talked about the day...reeeeally talked about it. Since we never get to see each other, hard conversations like this don't happen as often as they should. It's hard being a parent to a child with autism. You really want to involve them, get them excited about things you loved too as a kid...but the fact is, they are so incredibly different than you were as a kid. It's hard facing these thoughts as parents. Tim and I had a really intense conversation about it all. It was long overdue. We began each thought with "You know, I wouldn't want to change him...." or "You know I love that boy more than life itself..." . After a few times of this, I said "Stop. We don't have to say that. We need to have these conversations. We both know we love him so incredibly much and that we love him for who he is. We don't need to re-assure ourselves with that every time we start our sentences about things that are hard to talk about." I then said how "We have to always have our 'game faces' on as Parker's parents. We need that constant positivity with him and that constant coaching, etc when we are with him as his parents...that game face. When it is just Tim and I, it's ok to take the helmet off and be vulnerable...to talk about things that we don't want to talk about but have to."
And with that, Tim and I took off our warrior helmets and faced our vulnerabilities as parents. These feelings will always come up but we need to talk about them when we do. That way, we are never alone. Autism already can be isolating as it is and the last thing I want is to be isolated from my hubby.
After our hard conversation, we watched the thunderstorm from the swing under the eve of our cabin. We took a breath of fresh air and went back into bed. Parker was sleeping in our bed and Tim and I knew that more than likely all of our vacations would have things like this come about. Tim and I just need to be on the same playing level together when tackling the hard situations that come up. Our playing helmets were off for that evening and it was long overdue.
The rest of the vacation was nice. We decided to just do wayside rests, walk around Gooseberry Falls, see Split Rock and Two Harbors lighthouses...more low key things. Parker seemed to enjoy those the most. Just being out in the fresh air did us all some good. Quinn loved seeing so many new things she had never seen before. She's always such a good traveler. :)
All in all, the vacation was one we would never forget. The one where Tim and I had to really take a bench to being the parents and just be Tim and Carlee. Just be two people sharing thoughts and feelings with instead of an almost "Parker parent machine" with no feelings...just output of positivity. Well, even that ends up running on empty....and it did when we were up there. It all turned out to be a beautiful trip with all new experiences for Quinn and Parker...as well as Tim and I.
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