Little Miss Sunshine

Every night seems like there are struggles at a moments notice. With Parker not being to communicate right now, we can be playing, giggling uncontrollably and then suddenly...BAM. Parker goes into meltdown mode. You have heard me refer to it as 'meltdown mode' before and that is truly what it is. He grabs a coat, his shoes or a bink, brings them to me and throws them. Right now, that is what he does to tell me he is upset about something. He tenses up, shrill screams, falls to the floor...it is exhausting to say the least. Now three year olds have temper tantrums but this goes beyond just a tantrum. Just last Monday he was in meltdown mode for five and a half hours. Yes, you read that right. Five and a half HOURS of screaming, throwing shoes, falling to the floor, battling to get him into the tub, kicking when I try to get his jammies on....yes, it is a meltdown. Tantrums would be a picnic compared to this.

Now what I have been struggling with is the thought that I am not tending to Quinn as much as I want. Tim works second shift so as soon as I get home from work, he leaves. I work at 6am - 2pm downtown Minneapolis and Tim leaves as soon as I walk in the door. This is not easy dealing with all of this on my own. The worst part is like I said, giving myself and energy to Quinn as much as I would like. I always compare myself to how I was with Parker as an infant. Rocking him to sleep every night, laying on the floor playing, trying to get him to dance to music, one on one time, etc. I have been beating myself up over the thought that I am not doing enough for Quinn like I was able to with Parker. I have tried to brush it off because having a second baby is completely different than with the first because you do already have a child when before it was just them. Every time I thought that, it would stick for a few minutes but then I would go right back to feeling like I'm not forming as good of a bond with her as I did with Parker at her age. So much of my energy is going to Parker and damage control right now and she is such an easy going girlie...My Little Miss Sunshine I call her...I feel guilty.

Tonight turned from exhaustion to amazing. Parker was in meltdown mode for almost two hours this evening. I was pleading in my head that he would come out of it. See, no amount of reasoning, distraction....anything can calm him when he gets like this. In a last ditch effort, I started to read to him. I do this every night but for some reason, reading him "Oh The Places You'll Go!" completely did the trick. I held Quinn in my arms, sat with Parker in his bean bag bed and read it to them. I have read this book so many times before but for some reason, Parker just needed to hear the words of Dr Seuss maybe more than ever. I had the lights dimmed, Quinn was pointing to all the pictures, I put their names in the sentences and by the end of the book...Parker was asleep. For some reason...he just crashed. I was so excited more than ever because I knew I could rock my little miss sunshine to sleep tonight. I cant tell you how much I want to do that every night  but cant because I am having to put  Parker back in bed over and over for an hour or more.

I made her a bottle, rocked with her, sang Edelweiss (her favorite) to her, and cuddled for over and forty five minutes. Just us. Something my Quinn and I needed....each other.

Hearts

Last night was a rough one for Pman. When he got out of the tubby last night, he engaged meltdown mode. He started to eventually calm down and was laying in his ultra-mega foam bean bag bed and out of nowhere he SCREAMED. His scream was different and he started shaking. Physically shaking. He ran into my room with his blankie, his stuffed white dog and teddy bear that he sleeps with every night. I immediately took him into my arms and cuddled in bed with him. He wouldnt let go of me and nestled into my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair, hummed songs to him and rocked back and forth....then he finally fell asleep. Relaxed.

Now tonight when I got his jammies on, he started in meltdown mode. He grabbed his shoes just to throw them. He does this with any object near him when he's upset. It's the only way he knows to tell me he's upset about something. He will put an object in my hand just to whap it out. Like I said, that's what he does to tell me he's upset/mad/sad. When he picked up his shoes to throw them for the third time, I took them and calmly put them on top of his dresser. Well, this didnt sit well with him. I got down to his level, looked at him in the eyes and just said, "Parker, it's ok. I know that you are mad because you don't want to fall asleep. I am going to keep the hall light on all night for you. I know you got scared of the dark last night and I am going to lay with you so that you fall asleep." He just looked at me straight in the eyes and started to calm down. I then climbed into his little nest of a bed since Quinn was already asleep from her last little night time bottle. I cuddled with him in my arms and I said, "Parker, when you are upset, Mama knows. I know you. I know everything about you because you are my baby. Right now, even though me and you don't communicate with words, we communicate with our hearts. I know right here (I pointed to his heart) how you feel. Someday soon Parker, we can communicate with words to each other but right now, we talk with our hearts.You are so smart and bright. Just because me and you use a different way to talk to each other, that doesn't mean it's any less. If anything, it's more. See....right here (pointed to his heart again)." As soon as I said this, he turned and looked right at me in the eyes, touched my nose, cuddled close into me, took a deep breath and crying stopped all together. Not even 5 minutes later...he was completely relaxed and asleep.

I know sometimes it can be so hard to communicate things to Parker because all I have ever know to do so is with words. Sentences explaining myself and my feelings. I have always been able to read people but I still have always used language. It's the only way people really know how to communicate. I mean, how else can you express yourself other than words to the world? It can be hard most times when I just wish we could communicate with words, pictures, etc but we still need more time for that. Right now, Parker and I use everything but words to communicate. Parker is so bright and he understands when I say things to him. It's just not reciprocated right now and that frustrates him beyond belief. He gets discouraged and you can just see it in his face and demeanor. Parker and I will always communicate more on a heart level over language level. Even if Parker's speech is fluent and perfect someday...nothing will be able to come close to how him and I truly talk...with our hearts.